If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
The adults are the big ones right?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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