I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
