was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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