his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
