I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
