i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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