i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
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