I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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