Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
