cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
