I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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