I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
