last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
