I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
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