There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
