i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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