my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
