The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
