in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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