I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
