they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
