It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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