my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
