i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
