When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
