i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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