I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
