He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
