Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
