Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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