I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Randomize
