Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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