oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
