Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
