No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize