yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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