What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
