you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
