i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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