If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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