Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
