You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
