I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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