I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
