That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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