Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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