He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
