Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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