walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
