it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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