You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
