Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
this hospital has no fireball
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
