Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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