Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
