Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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