And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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